Down Aisle Ten

July 26, 2012

One of my close friends from White Plains, Daniel Friedland, just had his first novel published titled Down Aisle Ten. Of course, here at Westcheddar, I support creative and artistic endeavors by local talent from the 914, especially by those people who have inspired me through the years. Dan and I used to chill every day in and out of school, cracking each other up during Spanish class and driving around town listening to Beastie Boys and G. Love & Special Sauce. He also played a guest starring role on our public access television show, Prime Time with Dan and Andrew, where he would pop up in skits and do stuff like quote lines from Three Amigos while wearing a flower pot on his head.

To help support and market his new novel here at Westcheddar, I kindly asked Dan to put together a list of the Top Ten Reasons To Buy Down Aisle Ten. And of course, he delivered in grand fashion. Read below as he gives us his reasons to purchase…

Top Ten Reasons To Buy Down Aisle Ten by Daniel Friedland

1. Watching the news on TV upsets you. Could they possibly be right? Is there a good reason to be afraid of your (insert seemingly innocent household item here)? Should you really watch out for your (doctor/mailman/neighbor)? And just how dangerous is this (food/chemical/country/tropical disease)? Try to gain some perspective on these matters by reading Down Aisle Ten, a funny take on modern anxieties.

2. You just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey and you’re having difficulty looking at yourself in the mirror. You are also struggling to look at other people without imagining them in various erotic spanking scenes. The cure for your predicament? Read Down Aisle Ten and experience a thought-provoking satire about contemporary life.

3. You are in need of a good laugh. Summer is supposed to be fun, but the hot weather is getting you down, the drought is making you worried about the price of corn tortillas, and the upcoming presidential campaign looks like it’s going to get ugly. Of course, Down Aisle Ten isn’t a pure start to finish “pick-me-up” – it’s more of a satirical tragicomedy with a bit of “ha-ha” dystopianism thrown in – but the book is likely to prompt at least a few satisfying chuckles.

4. You have finished Vonnegut’s last book and you don’t know what else to read. So it goes. Of course, you could go back to Cat’s Cradle and see if that whole Ice-9 thing turns out differently this time, or you could try something new. One Amazon reviewer of Down Aisle Ten wrote that “Kurt Vonnegut is alive and well!!” Don’t take that too literally – he’s still dead.

5. Kirkus Reviews really liked it! The self-described “world’s toughest book critics” read Down Aisle Ten and called it a “darkly funny take on modern anxieties.” They said a few other nice things, such as describing the book as a “clever debut” and commenting that the “bouncy narration crackles with sharp observations about human behavior.” Upon receiving this very flattering review, the author poured himself a nice glass of bourbon and called his mother.

6. You’d like to support a new author. That’s a great idea! Breaking into the crazy world of publishing is harder than solving a rubik’s cube while fighting off tiger sharks. Or something like that. The author of Down Aisle Ten also happens to be an upstanding fellow with no criminal record. On the off chance this book enables him to purchase a mansion, you will be invited over to Castle Friedland to enjoy poolside caviar, white truffles, and sazerac. The butler doesn’t need to be tipped. Good service is already part of his salary.

7. It costs less than a venti Frappuccino at Starbucks. At least that’s true if you have a Kindle or iPad and you’re happy reading the electronic version of Down Aisle Ten. Of course, Kindles and iPads cost a lot more than Frappuccinos and it’s up to you to determine how you spend your money and how badly you require an ice-cold combination of coffee, caramel, whipped cream, and mocha. Oh god that sounds good. The paperback version of Down Aisle Ten is reasonably priced, so you’re in luck if you prefer holding a book in your hands. Also, if you really do measure your wealth in Starbucks beverages, we should have a serious talk.

8. It’s a great summer book. Imagine this – you’re on a beach and taking some much needed vacation time. It’s the perfect moment for Down Aisle Ten. You reach into your beach bag and commend yourself for having the foresight to bring along a hilarious and exciting new book. You are so engrossed in the twists and turns of Down Aisle Ten – the spread of USAC disorder, the quarantine bubble, the escape, MatchMaster, the fates of Harold, Dr. Edward, Officer Donaldson, and Denise – that you are unaware of mosquitoes biting you.

9. The sinister chicken on the cover scares you. Best advice? Don’t disappoint an angry rooster. It’s just not a good idea. The safest thing to do is buy the book, fold back the front cover, and start reading. You will thus not have to look into its evil eyes.

10. A lonely impulse of delight? Sorry to start throwing Yeats quotes at you, but perhaps you should just buy Down Aisle Ten without thinking about it too much. People tend to overanalyze things – sometimes it’s better to just act. Also, do you know how hard it is to come up with ten good reasons to purchase a new book? Our base-10 math system is so oppressive. If everyone had only nine fingers and nine toes, this last paragraph wouldn’t be necessary. Think about it – why does multiplying everything by ten seem so simple? That is all.

Cop Down Aisle Ten HERE. Do it. Now. Holler.

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